Well Today I work up a little tired but as the day progressed, with my family here for support I began to fee quiet a bit better. I ACTUALLY got off of the couch! My little sis ter drove me to barn and noble to pick upsome bipolar work book as well a memoirs written by other with this isuue. At this point I feel like to can do anything, I already have a list of project. I would like to redo my sons room, Im thinking a space theam, my sister brought over some bunk beds that she weill be redecorating fo the girld room , she will be painting the beds gold and we will but Grey gold and black accents. I am looking for another job even though my doctor said my disorder is so sever I can sign up for unemployment ( something I am not ready to do.
Today my hhusband and daughter went to the park, not by my own ecision, I was exhausted. Did I want to be able to share that moment with my dsughter? of course, I just couldn't muster you the energy and my husband never understabds. a Sometimes I have a terrible desire to leave, I want someone who is on my team and fighting thid moster by my side. I feel so asll of the time. Give its a moment md id will beon a rant. My miss my friends and family, I fee somisolated. I loved being able to come home and smekk the deliscous arom of the kids, mixed with some frest desert,=. I miss sitting arounf having that stabu=ilith and not feeling along. ai mad quite a lot of my oen mystakes, Wa t biolsr, I ly sounds sat Foe me it is bard enough being normail, II will never ne life Last night my Mother, sister and daughter came home to help me. I was nice O had this support, I was feeling down until they arrived. My mother took to cleaning as usual, my sisters cooked and helped with the children.
Later in the evening I took my medication and got ready for bed. As I started to fall asleep I realized my husband was irritated so I tried to talk to him but was in such a drowsy state I wasn't making much sense. Finally I told him I was just going to tell everyone the truth ( another side of our life). I did and everything exploded. My family against Bruce; Bruces family against me. He spoke of divorce but at this point I don't care, I don't care about anything. I miss life. I am still tires today but I am feeling better. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I slept a good amount of the day away and when I awoke my sister was here to keep me company. She has been amazing, she came picked up, cooked dinner and listened as I talked. Just the medicine I needed. My daughter has been a bit needed, I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been available to her as I have been. I can finally breath.
This depressive state was pretty bad, it didn't help that my husband continually became angry and frustrated with me. I know he carries a lot on his shoulders and when I'm depressed I can carry my own weight, I have a great deal of respect for him for being able to see me through. As for now my ex has my children for the next couple of days so that I may have my space. Thank you Eric! On another note, I went into see my psychiatrist today and he spoke to both me and my husband ( I brought my husband along to hopefully help him better understand). I'm not sure it really set in with my husband, but I tried. My psychiatrist also put me on lithium, which I didn't want to go on due to the side effect of weight gain, I know, it sounds shallow. Either way, I am not on it and we will see how it goes. Thanks for reading! Today I am depressed, I am also very tired and lethargic. I've just woken from a nap and am already counting down to the next one. I hate these episodes, especially when I know very well that I have a lot to be thankful for, My brother in law is going to be a dad and he just recently became engaged: One of my dearest girlfriends has also recently become engaged and has given me the honor of becoming one of her bridesmaids; One of the most beautiful and kind women I know who happens to be like family to me is expecting her first child; I have a wonderful husband; four amazing healthy children and yet the darkness of depression clouds the happiness I should be feeling.
I was prescribed a new medication and am hoping it can balance things out for me. But for today, I just need to sleep and hope the sadness eases I began this blog yesterday as I was coming out of a depressive state, somehow I managed to delete it. Always fun.
Well Hello and Welcome to my blog, hopefully this place will be a place for people to come and feel secure in knowing they are not alone. Maybe this blog will help loved ones better understand their bipolar loved ones and find ways to better assist them in leading a stable life. Its not easy to love someone with bipolar disorder and I fully understand that, but Thank You for loving them in spite of it all. For the "lucky" 2% with bipolar disorder, may this blog be safety for you, may it show that you are not alone. I will be writing daily entries, it all will be a raw view of my life, my struggle, my accomplishments and my failures. I will no longer hide, as I feel the silence gives my disorder a power over me and I will no longer be a victim of the fear and shame that is too often associated with Bipolar Disorder. My name is Kelly and I am Bipolar. |
