Living In The Shadow Of Bipolar - Blog

Living In The Shadow Of Bipolar

Mon, Feb 16, 2015

2/16/2015

It's been awhile. but here I am. walking In this cloud of self reliance.
let me start off by saying you are not alone. also despite my illness I can see through the bullshit. I respect your decisions and I love you none the less. in time you will see. we will always be by your side and we will always show you the love of family. I hope the best for you.

New Medication

2/2/2015

I'm on new meds. I'm tired, I have shortness of breath and I have the shakes. so my hands are constantly trembling.

Falling Back Into Place

1/30/2015

I have been doing well since my doctor changed my prescription. My husband and I have had many discussions regarding ways to rebuild our relationship that's was not to long ago crumbling to the ground. We realized that my disorder did play a big roll and not in a good way. We want to grow as individuals which will help is grow in our marriage. Not to say I haven't had any relapses, being "normal" is hard. Now, I am trying to slowly rebuild, school, work, relationships, parenting.
Today I must say I'm a tad bit sad, maybe it's the rain clouds, or maybe it's just me, who knows.
Does anyone else find themselves afraid of moving forward? it may sound silly to some but Bipolar is all I've known, how and who am I "normal". I guess it's time to find out.

Im Alive!!!!

1/28/2015

A few days ago I had to call my pych. because I was such a mess, I wanted to die and I believed it would be the best option. my pych. immediately took me of of the klonopin and put me on wellbutrin instead. now for the past 2 days I have been feeling fantastic! I'm not a zombie anymore. I wake up feeling refreshed. I know I will still have cycles but for not I am happy :)

Today Was An Odd Day

1/26/2015

She gives me the fight I need to survive

Before I go to bed every evening I take my multitude of narcotics ( thanks doc.)
the issue is when I awake for work the following morning, I am still groggy and I feel drunk, I even bump into things and sometimes slur my words or I have slowed speech. I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO TO WORK LIKE THIS!
Thank goodness I have a great boss. This morning I felt careless, and sad. I went to the mall on my lunch break and although I didn't feel like shopping, shopping I did. $300 in 30 minutes. I shouldn't even be shopping, I have so many bills over due.
I wish with all my heart I could feel alive again, enjoy the breeze through my hair, the rain softly on my face.
unfortunately death in in every thought, every crevice of my mind. The mind is such an amazing thing but at the same time it is demonic and it can both create and destroy simultaneously just as it did for a number of well know people, such as: Kurt Cobain, Mel Gibson, Ernest Hemingway, Patrick J. Kennedy, Vivien Leigh, Marilyn Monroe, Florence Nightingale, Edgar Allan Poe, Frank Sinatra, Vincent van Gogh, Robin Williams, Virginia Woolf, Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Not to say that my talent is anywhere near these grand men and women, but just knowing that I am not alone and so many others out there can not just survive with this illness but can also prosper.
my depressive state is the worst, sleeping, crying, not getting out of bed for days at a time, not feeling the need to shower for days, being irritated, slow thinking. it's all misery.
although I must say I don't mind the mania, it makes me feel like I am a 1930's mother, house cleaned, kids dressed, dinner made, cookies baked, laundry done and folded, all with a smile. I even play with my kids, sing and dance with them. those are the moments I cherish, as crazy as it sounds. well at some point I will tell you my life stories and defining moments, the good the bad the ugly, just not at this time, As I am still yet to be ready.

What are the issues?

1/25/2015

Today I awoke in a decent mood. My family and I went out for breakfast and then we decided to go grocery shopping. When I arrived home I needed a nap. Do any of you guys have to take naps to get through the day? I do, I went to staples and purchased things I didn't need just because I felt the need to buy something, not the best idea. I'm irritable, extremely irritable and just having my husband around sets me over the edge. I understand he wants to spend time together but right now I cant deal with it. One major thing that has been bothering me lately is that I have been forgetting things quite often, this isn't anything new, it has just been getting worse with time. I ask people a question and then 2 minutes later I ask the same questions over and over again. I also lose things ALL the time, its just getting so bad. I start projects that don't get finished before I begin a new one, My mind wont stop, it jumps from place to place from idea to idea. My husband is at his wits end, as am I. I just want it to stop. Oh and I don't clean, hahahaha, I wont touch a dish for the life of me, although that I doubt is part of my disability. I see all of my friends out having a good time together and as much as I would like to join, I cant get myself up and out of the house, Is this really a way to live.
So today I just hate everything and everyone.

January 25th, 2015

1/25/2015

Sooooo......I slept pretty well last night, the only problem is my meds make me very very tired in the morning, so tired it is hard to function. Thank goodness my husband drives. Other than that I felt great, I went into work, did some Marketing, visited Pacific Coast Physical Therapy for my session, I love that place, I always come out feeling like a new person. Afterwards I went to lunch. I actually went on a manhunt for my "cousin" Trisha and my Uncle Dan but had no luck. Now I write, procrastinate is more like it. At this point I believe I am hypomanic, lets just hope it doesn't turn into full blow mania anytime soon. I'm still trying to clean up from my last episode.

When Family Wont Accept It

1/25/2015

When I was first diagnosed my family couldn't accept it, they that could get better with herbs, teas and exercise. I really had couple of family members telling me that the disorder was not real. I was hurt and I was lost.
during this time I had a hard time making and/or keeping friends. I became depressed. once my depression was over I went into mania, driving much to fast, getting multiple tickets, being promiscuous, drinking heavily, and just rebelling in general, This was when I got into my first car accident. Did that open my eyes? did that make less reckless? the answer is NO. I needed help and had no idea where to go, this was also before I was given my diagnosis.. the one person who could help me and slow me down at that point was my cousin Joanna, she just has a way about here that could alway get through, no matter what state I was in. in all honesty, if your family cannot be a support group for you, I would advise finding a local support group, you can't fight this alone. you need all the help you can get.

http://www.dbsatoday.com/

My lovely Joanna, my angel. She saved me from myself more times than I can count.

God always has a plan

1/23/2015

I had been feeling a tad bit isolated from my extended family, which is rare since we used to get together about twice a week. I fully understand they have a hard time with his disorder and I know we all grow up and move on to lives of our own, That in itself was difficult to adjust to. Today I was able to reconnect to a close friend who is like a cousin today. She has such a beautiful Aura and just being around he is uplifting. We jjust talked and laughed and we also had lunch. It was everything I needed. After spending that quality time with her I felt alive and happy once again. So I would like to thank Trisha for sharing a moment with me and showing me the kindness I so needed.

Good will prevail...Maybe not :(

1/22/2015

Yesterday I awoke in a fairly good mood. I actually had energy and made it to work. That in itself was an accomplishment. Then little by little the negativity began to crowd my mind, so I proceeded to turn on the radio to play my favorite song. It helped enough. Then I went to pick my DH up from work and from the moment he got in all he could do is nit pick and tell me I was wrong for this and that....then he says he is angry because he only wants more time with his wife, I feel we do enough together, I'm not very adventurous but we spend time at home together and actually we go EVERYWHERE together, I don't understand what else he wants

Last night I had a small episode OVER FREAKING ENGAGMENT rings and proposals! My DH never proposed to me and it is still a sore subject, He had once told me he would propose to the right women at the right time. Guess I wasn't the one. So here we are over three years fighting out the same. After this "discussion" I fell apart crying hysterically, clinging to my mother, asking her to take the pain away, telling her I didn't want to live this way. AND no it isn't just about the ring, its about the meaning behind it, all of the hardships, accomplishments, milestones, That is what it means to me.

After that I took my meds and went into a deep slumber, until now.